TOILET ETIQUETTE

I apologise but today's is a long one. It is however on a very important issue. Today I am going to educate you all. Most blokes know this stuff but they have no idea why they know it. However, occasionally you get a bloke who doesn't know the rules and it causes problems. I am of course talking about toilet etiquette. Out of interest I did a little search on Google this morning and found very little helpful information relating to this topic, which explains why I am having a fight with my conscience as to whether I should write this.

The problem is the rules of toilet etiquette are 'unwritten' rules. If I write them down, does that then go against what the rules stand for? However I have had a few experiences with people breaking the rules due to ignorance and so the autistic side of me, that can't cope with awkward situations, feels the need to educate.

These rules relate to public male toilets only. What you do on your own thrown is up to you. And I can't advise on female toilets cos as far as I can tell, they are meeting places where you exchange gossip, rather than somewhere to get rid of your kidney juice! And that leads me on to the basis for all of these rules. The male public lavatory is a place to piss (or shit if you really have to...). It is not a place of gossip or talk about football. You are there to relieve yourself and that's it. Your cock should be out for as little time as possible, and you shouldn't be hanging around other guys who have their cocks out for too long!

And on that note, it is time to stop procrastinating and get into the rules.

1. Positioning

The basic rule is you should be pissing as far away from anyone else as possible. I will use a standard 5 urinal set up to explain the options:

• If all urinals are free, you must use one of the end urinals, preferably the one furthest from the door so the next guy doesn't have to walk behind you whilst your pissing

• If one urinal is in use (presumably one of the end ones...) you must use the urinal on the other end

• If both end urinals are in use, you must use the middle urinal

• If three urinals are in use, then either leave or go to a cubical. There is no excuse for standing directly next to someone

Urinals number 2 and 4 should never be used if the urinals are being used effectively. If you are first in and you go to urinal 2 or 4 then that means only one more guy can come and piss whilst you are there and it messes up the system. Urinals 2 and 4 are merely buffer urinals.

2. Talking

Simply put, there is no excuse for talking whilst at a urinal at all. Not even to your mate. If you are having a conversation on the way in, this must stop until you have both finished your business and have reached the sinks. Talking is allowed at the sinks as long as it is kept to the minimum, is on suitable 'man topics' and doesn't turn into gossip.

There is no need for you to talk across cubicles. This is just one small step away from the most womanly of toilet habits - using a cubicle together.

3. Other noise

Keep all bodily noise to a minimum. This includes, farting, moaning, groaning, high-fiving and yelling 'who's the daddy?'. The only person allowed to shout inappropriate things is the 'Freshen up' man, in which case you are allowed to shout 1 random thing back at him. But only one. And only if it is highly amusing and can be added to his repertoire.

4. Eyes

Straight ahead. You don't need to look down at where you are aiming, it's not that hard. Looking up is just weird and looks like you praying. Most toilets provide interesting reading material above the urinals for you. Use it.

5. Hands

Both hands on your fella please. This stops the 'firehose effect' for those of us that have built up a lot of pressure in our bladder and a hand on your hip whilst pissing looks a bit gay. Two hands on your hips is asking for trouble and wet shoes!

6. Child Urinals

Just don't. No one wants to see a man pissing at one of these. It looks like a giraffe trying to drink. And no, not because your cock is massive...

7. Shaking

No more than twice. We all know that more than twice and your having a wank.

8. Grooming

You are allowed a quick hand through the hair, but no more. The sinks are for washing your hands and that is it. Again, it is all about keeping the traffic moving. In and out as quick as you can please.

If any of these rules are broken, you run the risk of causing trouble and embarrassment for yourself. Your hand may accidentally brush a mans leg if you have gone to the pisser next to him and haven't taken a firm grip. If you stay too long at the sinks, you may accidentally give the freshen up man some money. Or if you make too much noise at the urinal and shake more than twice, people will think you enjoy jacking off in public into urinals. No one wants to be that guy, or stand anywhere near him in fact!

Again, apologies for the length (smutty laugh) but I am quite passionate about this. I might write a book about it so if anyone else has any rules they feel need adding, let me know!