SO LONG, FAREWELL...

Well, it is official. I am closing down this Blog. Boo...

Bot don't fret! I have started a new one! Yes that's right. Just go to www.simonvelk.com and you can see my new shiny blog, plus some other stuff. Happy days!

COME INSIDE MY HEAD

I almost had a complete mental breakdown earlier today. It's ok, don't worry. I am fine. No really, put the Yellow Pages away, I don't need a psychiatrist. Well, I might, but that can wait.

As part of my self administered therapy, I am going to let you into my head and tell you exactly what caused me to freak out a bit. Firstly, let me set the scene. It's a sunny day and so I thought I'd make some cupcakes. Yes, that is a little gay, but as you all know from this post, I don't really care. There I am in Waitrose, just buying the stuff I need. Naturally, because it is a Saturday afternoon, it is exceptionally busy.

Couples out doing their weekly shop, women with prams, teenagers that have nothing better to do than to get in my way and old people were all there. Really, old people should not be let out at weekends. But I shall save that for another rant.

Anyone that knows me will know that I am not that good in social situations with people I don't know. This includes anywhere that is busy. I'm not agoraphobic, I just don't like people. Actually, that's not true. I don't like being in situations where I don't know what is going to happen and when I am not with someone else who I can bounce off of. Sadly this is normally when I am in a social situation with people I don't know. So I am already in a heightened state of anxiety but it's ok. I'm queuing to pay, I am nearly safe and out of the shop. I can smell the fresh air as other people are leaving, those lucky bastards. But then, the guy in front of me turns round to me and says "Queues... You can't avoid them can you?"

ARGH!!!! Ok, most of you are probably reading this and thinking any normal person would just laugh and say something along the lines of "I know. They're awful aren't they?" However, I just kind of smiled, nodded and looked away. In my head, that was a clear sign that I did not want to talk. But no. He then carries on asking me if I'm from round here. Again, you would probably just carry on the conversation, but I panicked and said "No, I'm just up for the weekend visiting a mate." Yes, that's right, I immediately told a completely random and unnecessary lie! Why would I do this? The reason I did this is because as soon as I realised I was going to be stuck in a conversation with a stranger, a voice in my head kicked in and said the following:

"Shit, he's talking to you. He wants to have a chat. That's just not right. You've got to get out of this. You're really bad in these situations. You could suddenly remember that you've forgotten something and leave the queue. Or you could just put down your basket and run outside. Look, the doors open. Might look a but mental. Just concentrate on breathing like a normal person. I bet the woman behind you is pissing herself laughing. This guy looks weird. Maybe he's a bit 'special'. And why is he wearing headphones whilst shopping? Oh crap, he's asked you a question. You've paused too long to work out the answer. Quick, just tell him you are visiting someone. No wait! you can tell him the truth.. Oh fuck. You've already started a web of lies... You fool."

Does anyone else do stupid ass stuff like this?

A LITTLE ABOUT ME

So, I got an email the other day listing a load of stuff that goes around the mind of 25-35 year olds. I know these things are normally quite lame but this one really tickled me cos... well... I don't know why. It just made me laugh. Might have been because I was having a really dull day. Might have just been because I am very easily amused.

Anyway, I started thinking about how everyone is actually kinda the same, despite how unique we think we are. We all have the same paranoias and all those great ideas we have... Yep, someone's already had the same ideas.

To demonstrate this, I have done a little collage of some of the things from my childhood that I loved and I think have shaped me into the person I am. Ok, maybe the shaping me into the person I am thing is pushing it, but I have tried to think of things that I think might not be everyones first immediate decision. There's a couple there that are obvious, but I will guarantee that most people reading this will identify with 95% of images immediately. So, here is the collage.

I bet you now have that warm fuzzy feeling inside as you think back to you childhood. I know I do.

There wasn't any real point to this. Just felt a little nostalgic and wanted to share it with the world, and encourage you all to chill out, not worry about being unique or individual and embrace all that is you. No matter how lame it is...

I'M ALIVE!

Apologies to my loyal fans who have missed me. I have been lame and not written anything for a bit. And when I say lame, I don't mean like a horse...

So, what gems have I got for you today? It should be good since I have had nearly two weeks to think about it. Well, sadly it's not that great, but could be a bit controversial. Aha! I've got your attention now! I am going to write about the great Microsoft Photoshopping balls up and whether it was right or wrong. Those of you that don't know, Microsoft made a massive balls up earlier this week when they published a photoshopped image on their Polish website where they changed a black man into a white man. You can read the full story here.

The question that everyone is asking is "Were Microsoft right to change a black man into a white man?" and my answer to that is a definite "Yes". Don't worry I'll let you pick yourself up off the floor before I explain myself...

Firstly, before everyone gets all high and mighty, this is not an argument about racism, although things like this always get turned into that. Marketing products is all about selling, and the best way to do that is to show how a product can be used in your life. And I don't necessarily mean 'Your' life as in you who is reading this, but I mean 'your' as in whoever I am speaking to when selling. If I was selling a mobile phone and had done a great job with a great campaign in the UK using a mix of races, then great. But if I was then to sell to India, I would change the people to reflect the Indian population. An Indian may look at an advert with a black man in and be thoroughly confused as to why he was being shown it.

The same goes with Poland. According to the CIA's website Poland's ethnicity is as follows:

• Polish 96.7%
• German 0.4%
• Belarusian 0.1%
• Ukrainian 0.1%
• other and unspecified 2.7%

This would mean the black man would be relevant to 2.7% of the population, which just doesn't make any sense.

However, I do still have a problem with what Microsoft have done. Well, not with what they have done but how it was done. For my argument to work (and the generally thought behind advertising) then why leave the Far Eastern guy in? And why just photoshop his head and not his hand? And why oh why was the photoshopping so bad! What they should have done is had a selection of actors at the original photoshoot and done several versions, or if that hadn't been done, they should have reshot either some one in a similar position that could be photoshopped in or just done a new photoshoot following a similar theme.

Anyway, I could rant about this for hours and most of you don't care. I am sure you will have different opinions (I'd be worried if you didn't) and feel free to let me know your views on it.

Right, I will now get thinking of a more fun and exciting post to do shortly. I think I have lectured to you enough! Now go out and play over the long weekend.

GEEK CHIC

OK, I am not the coolest guy in the world. It doesn't take a genius to work that out, but I try. However when you find that you are good at Maths and Physics, it's hard not to become a geek. But that's not necessarily a bad thing... The other day someone told me that I was the biggest Geek they knew. But then they went a bit further and said that although I was a massive geek, I was absolutely fascinating. And I think this is because I enjoy explaining things to people in a way they understand. I don't use 50 words when 10 will do. Information is only useful if people understand it, so why make things inaccessible to the majority of people. Other people who think like this include Albert Einstein and Richard Feynman, which I think is good company to be in.

Anyway, I stumbled across this website that demonstrates my point nicely. This guy takes data and rather than put it in a boring line graph or pie chart, he puts it into a diagram that makes more sense. Anyway, here are a couple of examples to what I mean

Anyway, this just goes to show – Maths, Physics, Statistics, these things don't need to be boring, and if kids were taught things simply and in a way they can visualise the results in a meaningful way, then maybe more people would be less ashamed of being a geek.

And that is my thought for today.

MY BIRTHDAY!

I know it's not until October, but I am going to do something fun for my birthday this year. Thing is, I am rubbish at making decisions so I have created a poll (oooh...). If you received an email from me linking you here, then you are definitely invited along and so please do vote. If you have just stumbled across here and you don't know me, then feel free to vote too. If you have stumbled here and you do know me, don't be upset I didn't email you. I probably don't have your email address or I presumed you wouldn't be interested. However you are more than welcome to come along and your vote is welcomed! Ok, so here is the poll. You can choose as many things as you like:

If you don't vote, then you only have yourself to blame when we end up doing something you don't want to do!

TOILET ETIQUETTE

I apologise but today's is a long one. It is however on a very important issue. Today I am going to educate you all. Most blokes know this stuff but they have no idea why they know it. However, occasionally you get a bloke who doesn't know the rules and it causes problems. I am of course talking about toilet etiquette. Out of interest I did a little search on Google this morning and found very little helpful information relating to this topic, which explains why I am having a fight with my conscience as to whether I should write this.

The problem is the rules of toilet etiquette are 'unwritten' rules. If I write them down, does that then go against what the rules stand for? However I have had a few experiences with people breaking the rules due to ignorance and so the autistic side of me, that can't cope with awkward situations, feels the need to educate.

These rules relate to public male toilets only. What you do on your own thrown is up to you. And I can't advise on female toilets cos as far as I can tell, they are meeting places where you exchange gossip, rather than somewhere to get rid of your kidney juice! And that leads me on to the basis for all of these rules. The male public lavatory is a place to piss (or shit if you really have to...). It is not a place of gossip or talk about football. You are there to relieve yourself and that's it. Your cock should be out for as little time as possible, and you shouldn't be hanging around other guys who have their cocks out for too long!

And on that note, it is time to stop procrastinating and get into the rules.

1. Positioning

The basic rule is you should be pissing as far away from anyone else as possible. I will use a standard 5 urinal set up to explain the options:

• If all urinals are free, you must use one of the end urinals, preferably the one furthest from the door so the next guy doesn't have to walk behind you whilst your pissing

• If one urinal is in use (presumably one of the end ones...) you must use the urinal on the other end

• If both end urinals are in use, you must use the middle urinal

• If three urinals are in use, then either leave or go to a cubical. There is no excuse for standing directly next to someone

Urinals number 2 and 4 should never be used if the urinals are being used effectively. If you are first in and you go to urinal 2 or 4 then that means only one more guy can come and piss whilst you are there and it messes up the system. Urinals 2 and 4 are merely buffer urinals.

2. Talking

Simply put, there is no excuse for talking whilst at a urinal at all. Not even to your mate. If you are having a conversation on the way in, this must stop until you have both finished your business and have reached the sinks. Talking is allowed at the sinks as long as it is kept to the minimum, is on suitable 'man topics' and doesn't turn into gossip.

There is no need for you to talk across cubicles. This is just one small step away from the most womanly of toilet habits - using a cubicle together.

3. Other noise

Keep all bodily noise to a minimum. This includes, farting, moaning, groaning, high-fiving and yelling 'who's the daddy?'. The only person allowed to shout inappropriate things is the 'Freshen up' man, in which case you are allowed to shout 1 random thing back at him. But only one. And only if it is highly amusing and can be added to his repertoire.

4. Eyes

Straight ahead. You don't need to look down at where you are aiming, it's not that hard. Looking up is just weird and looks like you praying. Most toilets provide interesting reading material above the urinals for you. Use it.

5. Hands

Both hands on your fella please. This stops the 'firehose effect' for those of us that have built up a lot of pressure in our bladder and a hand on your hip whilst pissing looks a bit gay. Two hands on your hips is asking for trouble and wet shoes!

6. Child Urinals

Just don't. No one wants to see a man pissing at one of these. It looks like a giraffe trying to drink. And no, not because your cock is massive...

7. Shaking

No more than twice. We all know that more than twice and your having a wank.

8. Grooming

You are allowed a quick hand through the hair, but no more. The sinks are for washing your hands and that is it. Again, it is all about keeping the traffic moving. In and out as quick as you can please.

If any of these rules are broken, you run the risk of causing trouble and embarrassment for yourself. Your hand may accidentally brush a mans leg if you have gone to the pisser next to him and haven't taken a firm grip. If you stay too long at the sinks, you may accidentally give the freshen up man some money. Or if you make too much noise at the urinal and shake more than twice, people will think you enjoy jacking off in public into urinals. No one wants to be that guy, or stand anywhere near him in fact!

Again, apologies for the length (smutty laugh) but I am quite passionate about this. I might write a book about it so if anyone else has any rules they feel need adding, let me know!

VROOM VROOM...

I have had the best day ever today! I have been driving a Lamborghini Gallardo, which to me is equivilant to the Pope shaking hands with Jesus. I have loved Lamborghinis ever since I played "Test Drive" on our first PC.

Anyway, Lamborghinis are easily my favourite cars, and the Miura is one of the best looking cars ever designed. Today I was driving a Gallardo, which technically is the "Baby Lambo". Baby meaning 0-62 in 4 seconds and 500BHP. My VW Polo can be called a "Baby". The Gallardo can not!

So now it is the moment you have been waiting for... PHOTOS! Ok, I know this is very self indulgent of me but it's not often I do something this exciting. I have tried to keep them to a minimum, so here we go:

That's the one I'll be driving!

Audi R8's arse

Audi R8

Get that stinking Ferrari away from my car!

Look, I'm actually in it!

Right, I am sure I have bored you all enough so I will say au revoir and send you all my love!

AWESOME VIDEOS PEOPLE HAVE SHOWN ME

Right, I am not the only incredibly talented person in the world. I know, it is hard to believe. Much of the goodness in the world is down to me but I feel I should share some awesome things that other people have done. So, here goes.

Firstly, here is a video that my cousin directed. Unfortunately I can't embed it, but it is well worth a look, especially if you are a fan of The Big Bang Theory!

Anyway, next up is some random dude that a friend of mine brought to my attention. He seems to take clips from films/TV and make them into tunes. Now, I know this has been done a million times before, but this guy is pretty dam good. Here are my two favourites:

I am not always thee most up to date person with stuff like this so you may well have seen these before, but hey put a smile on my face, and anything that can do that has to be pretty good!

Right, don't worry, soon I will be back to my self loving, ego massaging ways. Until then, remember: Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

I CAN DO ART ME!

I've recently started drawing again! "Woo!!" I hear you all cry... I know, it's a very exciting time for all of us. Since I seem to have a lot of time on my hands at the moment I decided to do something useful with it. I was also inspired when I found the artwork in this here post as it kind of fits in with the type of things I used to do.

Anyway, here is a small selection of the sort of stuff I draw. Once I have finished migrating this blog over to its new home I will create a full gallery where I put everything I draw. Well, everything that's any good!

So, have a look and feel free to let me know what you think (good or bad..)

This is the house that Jack built... bad things happen there...

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...

...He got shot for wearing the wrong gang colours. Fool!

Simon was scared of girls. They are mean...

I'LL BE AS CAMP AS I BLOODY WELL LIKE!

Hello you beautiful, beautiful people. I am sat here writing this, listening to Kylie and I don't care what you think! Ok, when I say I am listening to Kylie, my iTunes just happens to have started playing a Kylie song, so it's not like I'm listening to her album!

Anyway, the point is that for years I have been called 'Gay' because I have a tendency to do stupid camp things. Hey, at least I am not as camp as this guy:

So, why do I seem to be the campest straight man on earth? Well, I was always told that girls fancied all gay guys, so when I was about 17, when you're trying to figure out how exactly to pull (I was a late bloomer...) I naturally figured that if I acted like a gay guy (without the bumming and stuff) then the girls would all swoon around me and I would have my pick of the crop. Sadly I seemed to be so good at acting gay that all I got was a load of crazy girls wanting to be my BFF but nothing more. Hmm... Fail. However I have only realised this now when look back on it. At the time I thought they were interested in me so I carried on being Captain Camp. Now I am supposedly so far in the closet that I am in Narnia.

But I don't care. This is how I am now and I think I am past the age where I can change my personality. Yes I like the odd bit of Kylie, I will happily watch High School Musical (I don't care what you say, it's very funny...) and I don't mind drinking big girly cocktails! So, if you want to call me gay or camp, then you crack on. I don't really care!

Hope you have a wicked cool weekend and big hugs to all of you! xx

THE PLAGUE HAS COME!!!

Yes, that's right. The evils of Swine Flu have arrived at my office. The first person has gone home ill and is now on Tamiflu. So no doubt soon I will be a dribbling mess on the floor, curled up trying desperately not to infect all of mankind.


But I won't will I? If by some freak accident I do catch Swine Flu, I doubt I will be in any sort of danger. Yes people have died, but they have largely all been ill anyway. I am not a pregnant woman. I am not old and nor am I an infant. I am relatively fit and have a good immune system. I think I will be ok...

So, don't worry about me people. Instead, you can read my musings for the day. Problem is I have an apology to make and I am not very good at that... You see last Friday I was being a miserable, self indulgent bastard. In the end, no one actually gave me a sensible suggestion of what I could do over the weekend. Actually, that's a lie. I did get suggestions, including going to the Reading Ale and Jazz festival. However, I ignored them all.

Instead I had a lovely weekend all on my own, just chilling out. The thing is I actually really enjoy spending time on my own. In fact spending time with people generally make me on edge and twitchy. Is that weird? I never know if that is weird or not...

Anyway, as you may be able to tell, I didn't actually have an awful lot to write about tonight. I just felt I had to make that admission. I am a hermit. Not in the weird, creepy, lives in a shed sort of way. I don't even have a beard... Oh, and because I am a hermit, it means that if I do get Swine flu, the world will still be a safe place. Thanks the lord!

WHY DO YOU BUILD ME UP?

Ok, it's Friday afternoon and I have spent my day writing invoices. Very dull. Although this morning we did play cricket with a small child. Please see this story for my views on children in offices!

Anyway, the weekend is coming and I should be getting excited. But I'm not. I have no plans this weekend at all... Why is this though? I have enough friends, I am not so poor that I have to stay confined to my house (although I can't afford to go to Canterbury for the day this month Kirsty!) and although I am getting on a bit, I still have the mentality of a 21 year old! 

Maybe I am just not grabbing the opportunities. I have a couple of ideas of things I could do but for various reasons I am not going to go into, I doubt I have the balls to make them happen. 

So, what should I do? If anyone has a suggestion of something I can do this weekend, please let me know. Or alternatively, if you have advice on how to grab life by the balls and make the most of every opportunity feel free to send me abuse telling me to pull myself together! It may be just what I need...

PLEASED TO MEET YOU, HOPE YOU'VE GUESSED MY NAME!

Right, I have a friend who has been bugging me to write something about her, so here it goes...

I have a friend, who is a little bit crazy, Well I have many friends that are a little bit crazy, and some who are a lot crazy, but I'll save them for another day! Anyway, this friend in particular, lets call her Ethel, I have actually stolen from someone else! Hee hee...

Here is a picture of Ethel. Ok, this is actually Ethel from Eastenders but never mind. So, I met Ethel about 8 years ago but it probably took me about 6 years to actually be comfortable around her. I have issues with meeting new people, especially girls that are kinda hot. People freak me out big time!

So, why should I write about some random person that none of you care about. Well, because if it wasn't for her I would have a very dull life at the moment. I spend most evenings chatting with her, trying to fix each others problems. It is all very dull and very childish, but it entertains me, and I like to think it keeps her out of trouble too! Here are some of the things we get up to:

• We make up games to play over the internet. Last night we played 20 questions. Well, it was actually about 5 questions and then we got distracted. I was supposed to guess what she was covered in. It turns out it was Cous Cous (So good, they named it twice!)
• She helps me with my career! Well, I say she helps me but what she actually does is come up with some of the best strap lines for products I have ever heard! She is a copywriting genius!
• We plan ways to terrorise our other friends over the internet. Not in a mean way, we just like to freak them out a little

Ethel has provided me with some of my best moments in recent times but we have also shared our lowest points together. In particular there was one occasion that was so low we both agreed to never speak of it again. Instead, here is an image that pretty much sums up that point...

This will mean nothing to anyone but her, and if I have made her laugh with it, then my work here is done. Ethel, you are a true legend and a star. :)

And if anyone else would like me to write about how great they are (or how horrid I think they are...) just let me know. I am more than happy to big you up!

A LITTLE BIT TWISTED BUT I LIKE...

I have just come across some awesome artwork on an great website. It is all a little macabre, but it kinda makes me smile in a bit of a sick and twisted way! Here are a few examples...

Ok, I got a little bit carried away here, but I couldn't decide which ones to post and which ones to leave behind! I am now going to hide behind the sofa because it has all scared me a little too much! :)